Archive for November, 2007

God and gay meeting

I feel quite brave – I came out at church!

I’ve never been out at church before; I’ve only ever told people I can trust.

I stayed quiet nearly the whole time listening and only made one point saying that “it’s ironic that the church is quite happy to marry couple that aren’t Christian and baptise babies because the parents “just think it’s the thing to do” but they won’t bless a loving, monogamous, committed civil partnership”. That’s all I said until the end when I said “I’ve talked to many gay people who when they find out I’m Christian get freaked and don’t really want to know because they’ve had girlfriends leave them because their girlfriend has been made to feel they have to choose between girlfriend n God” and the bishop said “and I bet when they got to know u they realised u were just human” so I thought stuff it because people had been saying all night “I don’t know any gay people” and “I don’t know what gay people think of this that n the other”.

So I said “actually, I’m a lesbian as well as a Christian and I’ve also had the experiences of etc” (told them some of the negative experiences I’d had and said that’s how many gay people see Christians because of what some Christians have told them and the fact that gay people have wanted nothing to do wit me because I’m a Christian too).

I was quite scared lol… but me vicar had been saying earlier how a lot of gay people have had bad experiences and so actually keep their mouth shut in fear of the condemnation they may receive so that made me feel a little more confident funny enough…

One of the people who were at the meeting gave me a lift home. She also gave me the confidence because she was saying from her point of view n arguing that her mum is a lesbian in a 22year relationship and has just had a civil partnership – so again she was very supportive and said what I did was brave etc on the way home….. So I don’t feel too scared now.

It’s good to know that whatever happens there’s at least three people in that church that are fab and that are supportive including the vicar 😛

I know it sounds daft, but I feel more confident about confirmation now people know too….

Yeah… I don’t feel like I’m hiding some secret or something…

Hm – It’s all good and I’m feeling good.


Before the Throne of God Above

Just off to get in bed and read some more of my book as our gas has run out and my fingers are going numb! lol! Before I go though I thought I’d share my favourite hymn lyrics with you… Although I’m not sure it is actually a hymn lol… Either way… the version by sonic flood is probably my favourite if you can get your hands on it 🙂

This song fill me with hope when I sing it and always reminds me of how much grace and love we are given.

Before the Throne of God Above

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there! The risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless, Righteousness
The Great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of Grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God
With Christ my Savior and my God

Tried to find the songs online… I’ve found one version of the song:

The only one I could find of the Sonicflood version though is just a very short guitar solo from it but it gives you a little idea:

God and gay – Read the first chapter

OK… So read the first chapter last night…

At the end there were two poems… one of them was by A.E. Housman, which I fell in love with. It’s a beautiful poem about Oscar Wilde (for those of you who don’t know, Wilde was a poet and writer and was trialed and imprisoned for being gay).

Oh Who Is That Young Sinner

Oh who is that young sinner with the handcuffs on his wrists?
And what has he been after that they groan and shake their fists?
And wherefore is he wearing such a conscience-stricken air?
Oh they’re taking him to prison for the colour of his hair.

‘Tis a shame to human nature, such a head of hair as his;
In the good old time ’twas hanging for the colour that it is;
Though hanging isn’t bad enough and flaying would be fair
For the nameless and abominable colour of his hair.

Oh a deal of pains he’s taken and a pretty price he’s paid
To hide his poll or dye it of a mentionable shade;
But they’ve pulled the beggar’s hat off for the world to see and stare,
And they’re haling him to justice for the colour of his hair.

Now ’tis oakum for his fingers and the treadmill for his feet
And the quarry-gang on Portland in the cold and in the heat,
And between his spells of labour in the time he has to spare
He can curse the God that made him for the colour of his hair.

I love it as people go on so often about how God can “cure me” or I have to trust God and He will change me, but I know that I didn’t CHOOSE to be gay… BELIEVE ME, if I could choose I would definitely be straight!

To give you a bit of background so you can see… I realised I was gay at 18 after I left home and was living away at uni. I had quite a suffocating childhood and I think this is the reason I never realised before (because to be honest, it was obvious!) because it wasn’t really “acceptable” for me to be gay… My childhood was one of those of “I will love you whatever you do” but then was never shown.

I had three boyfriends. One was gay and I thought I loved him (even though I knew he was gay!) possibly because I knew he’d never want more… The other two I never even snogged (and one of them I went out with for 9months!)! The most we did was a hug and peck on the lips (which I do with friends! LOL). If any of them even tried to rest their hand round my waist I HATED it, really truly did. It made me feel sick and squirmy and would think of anything at all to walk away to stop them doing it.

Friends even asked me if I was gay and I would get called gay by people I didn’t know – people just assumed I was gay even if they didn’t know me because of the way I looked and dressed (I’m aware just because you dress gay doesn’t mean you are gay, just making all the points)

My experience of “realising” I was gay is quite a lovely story that I do like to tell. I was in WHSmiths (working on checkouts) and the boring monogamy of it all had sent me into auto pilot… The next customer in the queue stood in front of me, I looked up, looked at her stuff and had to do a double take!! She was gorgeous! My heart pounded (I know it’s all a bit cheesy!) and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! All I could think was “she’s gonna wink at me! She’s gonna wink at me!” as I scanned her stuff through and packed it away… Asked for her money and saw she was smiling back, put it through, gave her her stuff and receipt and wished her a good day and 😉 there is was! A wink! She WINKED AT ME! I knew she would!

For the rest of the day I was completely elated. I felt like some revelation had just happened in my life and I felt so happy and unable to wipe the smile off my face just thinking about her and hoping she’d return… She never did, I never saw her again, but it always makes me smile and it was the beginning of something quite big in my life.

Looking back now, I think HA! How did I NOT KNOW!! My point is though – that I tried being straight and I wasn’t happy… Some people have asked me “how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never slept with anyone” (male or female – yes, I’m a virgin)… but then – how do you know you’re NOT straight if you’ve never slept with someone of the same sex…? You just know.

Now, I would be straight if I could, I still stick by things that I would’ve stuck by if I was straight… I will not sleep with anyone unless I love them and they love me. I will not sleep around. I will not sleep with someone unless we are in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship.

God asks us to love each other. Now how can He condemn that?

Note to myself:

I’ve been thinking – ABOVE ALL:

I don’t want to be someone that gets wrapped up in questions n theory n stops

experiencing God

God and gay.

Talked to my vicar today about being gay and christian as have been upset about what some christians have to say about it. It doesn’t bother me that someone has a differing view… It’s that they talk to me like I’m dirt and like I’m not a christian and I disgust them. It’s very hurtful!

Anyway, he’s given me some books to read. The first one I’m reading is Strangers and Friends by Michael Vasey… so there will be more to come about ideas, thoughts and questions from reading this.

The books I’ll be reading afterwards are God for Nothing by Richard MacKenna, Living in Sin? by John Shelby Spong and We Were Baptised Too by Marilyn Bennett Alexander and James Preston.


As you got up this morning, I watched you, and hoped you would talk to me, even if it was just a few words, asking my opinion or thanking me for something good that happened in your life yesterday. But I noticed you were too busy, trying to find the right outfit to wear.

When you ran around the house getting ready, I knew there would be a few minutes for you to stop and say hello, but you were to busy. At one point you had to wait fifteen minutes with nothing to do except sit in a chair. Then I saw you spring to your feet. I thought you wanted to talk to me but you ran to the phone and called a friend to get the latest gossip instead. I watched patiently all day long. With all our activities I guess you were too busy to say anything to me.

I noticed that before lunch you looked around, maybe you felt embarrassed to talk to me, that is why you didn’t bow your head. You glanced three or four tables over and you noticed some of your friends talking to me briefly before they ate, but you didn’t. That’s okay. There is still more time left, and I hope that you will talk to me yet.

You went home and it seems as if you had lots of things to do. After a few of them were done, you turned on the TV. I don’t know if you like TV or not, just about anything goes there and you spend a lot of time each day in front of it not thinking about anything, just enjoying the show. I waited patiently again as you watched the TV and ate your meal, but again you didn’t talk to me.

Bedtime I guess you felt too tired. After you said goodnight to your family you plopped into bed and fell asleep in no time. That’s okay because you may not realize that I am always there for you. I’ve got patience, more than you will ever know. I even want to teach you how to be patient with others as well.

I love you so much that I wait everyday for a nod, prayer or thought, or a thankful part of your heart. It is hard to have a one-sided conversation.

Well, you are getting up once again. Once again I will wait,  with nothing but love for you. Hoping that today you will give me some time. Have a nice day!

Your friend,

Study 3 – Luke 1:39-56

Study 3 – Luke 1:39-56

1. What does Mary’s song reveal about: (a) the character of God (see especially verses 49, 50), and (b) His way of working among men (verses 51-53)? How were these facts demonstrated in the manner of the Saviour’s coming?
2. What features in Mary’s character are revealed in this song? What can we learn from her example? … continue reading this entry.

Nan, grandad and bro


Please pray for my nan and grandad as they are very stressed (they aren’t the type to get stressed either) as they are moving house and there’s a lot of pressure at the moment trying to find a place they can afford to rent and added pressure as Christmas is approaching.

Please also pray for my brother who has been on drugs for a while, and just split up with his girlfriend so is homeless again.


Study 2 – Luke 1:26-38

Study 2 – Luke 1:26-38

1. Verses 31-33, 35. How many features of the person and mission of the promised child can be discerned in the words of the angel? Make a list of them.
2. Contrast Mary’s reception of the angel’s message with that of Zechariah (see previous study, Question 2). Compare with verse 45. What did Mary’s response involve? Are you prepared similarly to ask the Lord to fulfil his word in you?

Note: Verse 31. ‘Jesus’ is the Greek form of Joshua, which means ‘God saves’. Compare with Matthew 1:21
… continue reading this entry.

The Room by Joshua Harris/Brian Keith Moore

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. … continue reading this entry.

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