God and gay – Read the first chapter

OK… So read the first chapter last night…

At the end there were two poems… one of them was by A.E. Housman, which I fell in love with. It’s a beautiful poem about Oscar Wilde (for those of you who don’t know, Wilde was a poet and writer and was trialed and imprisoned for being gay).

Oh Who Is That Young Sinner

Oh who is that young sinner with the handcuffs on his wrists?
And what has he been after that they groan and shake their fists?
And wherefore is he wearing such a conscience-stricken air?
Oh they’re taking him to prison for the colour of his hair.

‘Tis a shame to human nature, such a head of hair as his;
In the good old time ’twas hanging for the colour that it is;
Though hanging isn’t bad enough and flaying would be fair
For the nameless and abominable colour of his hair.

Oh a deal of pains he’s taken and a pretty price he’s paid
To hide his poll or dye it of a mentionable shade;
But they’ve pulled the beggar’s hat off for the world to see and stare,
And they’re haling him to justice for the colour of his hair.

Now ’tis oakum for his fingers and the treadmill for his feet
And the quarry-gang on Portland in the cold and in the heat,
And between his spells of labour in the time he has to spare
He can curse the God that made him for the colour of his hair.

I love it as people go on so often about how God can “cure me” or I have to trust God and He will change me, but I know that I didn’t CHOOSE to be gay… BELIEVE ME, if I could choose I would definitely be straight!

To give you a bit of background so you can see… I realised I was gay at 18 after I left home and was living away at uni. I had quite a suffocating childhood and I think this is the reason I never realised before (because to be honest, it was obvious!) because it wasn’t really “acceptable” for me to be gay… My childhood was one of those of “I will love you whatever you do” but then was never shown.

I had three boyfriends. One was gay and I thought I loved him (even though I knew he was gay!) possibly because I knew he’d never want more… The other two I never even snogged (and one of them I went out with for 9months!)! The most we did was a hug and peck on the lips (which I do with friends! LOL). If any of them even tried to rest their hand round my waist I HATED it, really truly did. It made me feel sick and squirmy and would think of anything at all to walk away to stop them doing it.

Friends even asked me if I was gay and I would get called gay by people I didn’t know – people just assumed I was gay even if they didn’t know me because of the way I looked and dressed (I’m aware just because you dress gay doesn’t mean you are gay, just making all the points)

My experience of “realising” I was gay is quite a lovely story that I do like to tell. I was in WHSmiths (working on checkouts) and the boring monogamy of it all had sent me into auto pilot… The next customer in the queue stood in front of me, I looked up, looked at her stuff and had to do a double take!! She was gorgeous! My heart pounded (I know it’s all a bit cheesy!) and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! All I could think was “she’s gonna wink at me! She’s gonna wink at me!” as I scanned her stuff through and packed it away… Asked for her money and saw she was smiling back, put it through, gave her her stuff and receipt and wished her a good day and 😉 there is was! A wink! She WINKED AT ME! I knew she would!

For the rest of the day I was completely elated. I felt like some revelation had just happened in my life and I felt so happy and unable to wipe the smile off my face just thinking about her and hoping she’d return… She never did, I never saw her again, but it always makes me smile and it was the beginning of something quite big in my life.

Looking back now, I think HA! How did I NOT KNOW!! My point is though – that I tried being straight and I wasn’t happy… Some people have asked me “how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never slept with anyone” (male or female – yes, I’m a virgin)… but then – how do you know you’re NOT straight if you’ve never slept with someone of the same sex…? You just know.

Now, I would be straight if I could, I still stick by things that I would’ve stuck by if I was straight… I will not sleep with anyone unless I love them and they love me. I will not sleep around. I will not sleep with someone unless we are in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship.

God asks us to love each other. Now how can He condemn that?

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14 Comments »

  1. GHF Said:

    You know, it’s a delight to peruse such passionate discourse. Such an eloquent missive could only have been penned by the socially abnormal.

    Welcome to those of us (gay and straight) who refuse to be anything but what God made us. If God chose it for us, and seems unperturbed by our many imperfections, then who is any human to judge us?

    The socially abnormal ROCK!

  2. pistolpete Said:

    I may be a bit unusual. I’m an evangelical Christian who, unlike many of my co-horts, acknowledges the some folks are genetically gay. And, my homosexual friends were born no more or less sinners than I am. My faith perspective, however, leads me to believe that to act out sexually with someone of the same gender is contrary to God’s desire. (Though, again, it is no more sinful than some of my own sins.) I would encourage you to freely accept your homosexuality as part of who you are and, with God’s help, remain a virgin.

    Thanks for the thoughtful post.

  3. Emeth Said:

    Fair enough…

    But I think that’s pretty harsh… That God made me gay and then expects me to live a life alone? What a horrible prospect… that I should spend the rest of my life alone.

  4. pistolpete Said:

    No need to be alone. Just don’t have sex. I believe God gives us all the capacity (and opportunity) to have intimate relationships. Society wrongly teaches us that sex is the highest form of spiritual intimacy when in fact it’s often more a hindrance than a help.

  5. Emeth Said:

    OK.. I don’t believe that sex is everything in a relationship… however, I feel it’s a completely natural step (at your pace) in a relationship to have sex with someone you’re in love with… I can’t imagine being in love with someone and never getting to the stage where I express that love in having sex.

    On top of this there is the question of where you “define” sex… some people define sex as penetration… some people define sex as starting when you share the same bed and hug…. There are some things that are difficult when you say “you can have an intimate relationship BUT you can’t have sex”… It also differs with different cultures… Again, defining something as black and white as that is difficult.

  6. pistolpete Said:

    Too deep for me. Let’s just say love is much more than sex and leave it at that. If we grow in love with Christ, God will take care of the rest.

  7. Emeth Said:

    Fair dos – thankyou for your input – it’s appreciated 🙂

  8. Michael Said:

    To be honest Pete it is simply beyond your remit to advise on who should or shouldnt have sex with who when you yourself speak from a position of being sexually active with a supportive partner and kids-read again the bit about the pharisee and the tax collector!! Really we do not need any more sadducees- because they make us sad you see.

  9. Michael Said:

    On the topic of celibacy though -its actually quite a good idea if one is up for it as it were!
    When I became a Christian I ‘came out’ if you like from life that was very promiscuous. I was celibate for 5 years and though there were several close shaves and masturbation became quite an issue (excuse the pun!) the overall condition was quite free-it also enabled me to develop a very close relationship with God and give myself entirely to the Gospel-I became a christian worker in China for several years…But it was always a struggle for me and I have in mind pauls words that it’is better to marry than to burn’ In otherr words passion is easier for some to sublimate than others. Celibacy is a very worthwile calling if it is you own!!

  10. pistolpete Said:

    Very well expressed. Thanks for sharing your struggle.

  11. Anonymous Said:

    As one who had very definite ideas about the “wrongness” of homosexual and lesbian practice before working with people of all persuasions, faiths and experiences, I have come to the conclusion that if I love my children, despite the fact that two of them are gay, then why would God NOT love them?

    I am a mere human, blessed with a gift for seeing the other point of view, for which I thank God. I don’t have to agree with that other view in order to respect it, or its holder.

    My real point is that we seem massively over-preoccupied with sex. It’s necessary and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but there are far greater considerations to being a christian.

    Celebacy is its own reward, or punishment, dependant upon your point of view; but it IS a viable (and preferable) alternative to promiscuity; masturbation is often a release from frustration and nothing more. If spilling the seed is so desperately wrong, what do we gents do with nocturnal emisions? Send them back?

    The promiscuous hetero is offered peace, salvation, love, warmth, understanding, yet quite often (in my considerable experience – well over 30 years) even the celibate homosexual/lesbian is told they must change their way “or else”.

    I don’t understand why God would need an advocate with such a narrow-minded view, to exclude anyone who doesn’t fit that advocate’s “ideal christian” from GOD’S love.

    This seems a bit of a ramble, but all the points are relevant to this discussion. Please forgive me if you feel its non-sequential.

  12. Michael Said:

    No, its interesting. Like you I think we have gotten rather hung up on gender and this is the only place that I personally give it much thought. I guess I feel that sooner or later the blockage will clear and there will be clearer water between prejudice and theology…By this I mean that all this furore may help us figure out how to ‘do church’ in a manner more appropriate for the times we live in. Actually I think many already do this but we are still fighting turf wars in our denominations.
    Personally I cannot see a break in the impasse for orthodoxy-speaking as a catholic I can in other words see no way in which the scriptural tradition either for catholics or evangelicals can be sufficiently skirted round -paul wrote his letters and there you are…Leviticus will remain as it is and so will genesis…so we are stuck with the generalised ban however interpreted-such chunks of scripture-like reefs for the liberal conscience-will not be easily ignored.

    Personally I have buried the issue by simply choosing to focus on the more immediate and relevant concern of trying to be a follower of Christ both of his person and of his teachings. This means that All these gender issues are simply NOT my business … it is not my concern to go round legalising individuals-it is my business to love and care for them as best I can-or at least not to upset them too much!!
    All very nice but that I am a catholic by choice and I do in fact fundamentally agree with the catechisms teaching on the subject which views homosexuality as a condition of disorder-I may not like the teaching and I may view the ‘disorder’ as just part of the same ‘disorder’ from that which I suffer myself -in terms of my falleness I mean-and in terms of that there is no gender issue whatsoever-we are all definitely in the same boat!! But that means we are equally fallen, heterosexual and homosexual alike-which is in fact the case-but then because the church feels compelled to rule on the issue then I’m stuck with a position that discriminates so and of which I am personally ashamed and do my utmost to ignore!!

    So its not surprising we all get so fed up with the subject-I don’t think its so much to do with God as to do with the church-they arent neccesarily the same thing are they!!

  13. Shell Said:

    Emeth,
    First thing, You are not alone
    Second, You are not alone!
    Third…Find yourself in God the Lover of your soul(not your sexuality)
    Fourth, Relationships are authored by God (Jesus)he is the best example for you to look at..he was not alone and he was not married.
    Married is not for everyone nor is it nessesary, unless you can not keep your mind off sex and it becomes offensive to you. Then ask God for a partner…let him chose that person for you..give him that right and you will not have to be distracted with wither (Your Gay or Not). So many lies socially induced inside us keep us from focusing on the truth of who we really are in Christ. “Do not war against the flesh but the principalities of darkness….” You have been sidetrack beloved friend,it happens everytime we think something is more important than God or his will for our life.
    In his amazing love and Mercy we abide,
    Love Shell

  14. Emeth Said:

    Jesus was also God – I’m not lol

    I know that God loves me for me – this blog is just about my walk with God and at the moment being gay and christian is the thing I fine hardest so that’s what is talked about the most. I don’t think being gay is either more important than God or more important than His will for my life, but I believe His will doesn’t nessecarily involve me being straight, and yet many people believe that.

    As to your last sentence – Amen!

    Emeth


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