Archive for † Blogging on God †

It’s been a while

So… I has been a while… and I haven’t written cos I’ve felt far from God and have had shit going on in my life…. and yet that’s probably the time in which I should be writing the most, so here I am…. Am determined to get over this frame of mind that I can’t write depressing posts here and get on with it.

I got so wrapped up in wanting to only write things that I found inspiring that I forgot the most important thing…. that this blog is for my benefit and to show my walk with God… Our walk with God is never smooth.

Anyway… Here I am, after about two months (hmm… maybe more?!) and I’ll share with you what’s been going on.

Christmas is never a good time for me… In fact, it’s a shit time, however this Christmas was quite pleasant with my vicar inviting me for tea and chilling and having company with someone I love on boxing day. All in all went better than I thought.

As for New Year, I completely messed that up when we got to the countdown and I was panicking and flicking through channels confused at the big clock on the TV that said 11.50am when it was actually midnight lol… but again, it wasn’t too bad ๐Ÿ™‚

Then – my birthday…. I was dreading it. I hate the end of Dec/beginning of Jan, Christmas, New Year and my birthday all shout “we’re gonna make you feel shit” and this year it was worse… It was my 21st… BUT, again, I was surprised with it being the best birthday I’d had in years. I enjoyed it so much, I really did and I came home so happy ๐Ÿ™‚

Early Jan I decided, right, let’s lose weight. I’ve been on plenty of diets before and failed miserably at all of them. I’m not diagnosed but am pretty sure I suffer with “binge eating disorder”… let’s face it you don’t really need to be diagosed to know if you are or not… however, it’s always made it extremely hard to overcome. I have binged for comfort just about everyday for 6years and now my weight was dangerously high and I needed to do something about it. The diet’s going well… I’ve lost about a stone and am really pleased.

I don’t know if it’s coincidence or not though but when I started the diet, I started getting depressed. I’ve always had a “depressive personality” but this time it was worse. It goes into more depth than this but the three main “crutches” I have had are self-harm (cutting mainly), binge eating and binge drinking… I have got over binge drinking and cutting more or less, and now the binge eating… all my crutches are gone and I wonder if this is the reason I’m depressed. I’ve always used one of the three to make me feel better and keep me happy and now I had nothing.

My anxiety has been very severe… I struggle to leave the house alone unless it’s to meet someone… I have missed over a month of uni cos I can’t cope with being around people. I walked around Tunstall with me sister and her fiance and felt pysically sick cos of the people, then my OCD gets severe and I cringe and feel sick if I step on a crack… Someone brushes past me and it makes me feel sick and panicky. I move to the side so noone can touch me and fine myself digging my nails in myself and scratching my hand to stop the panic (a very easy and subtle way (most people don’t notice) to help me not to cry).

It is always absolute relief to get home to my room and feel safe. My comfort zone and my prison.

Dad took me to see Godspell on Thursday night. It was just as good as I’d expected and I really enjoyed it. I dunno why I felt so far from God though, the Jesus on stage seemed miles away from where I was sitting in my head and where I normally cried at the songs, I couldn’t and found the only time I cried was at the fact I couldn’t cry. Ironic eh?

My vicar and his wife gave me Oscar, which is a stuffed dog about as big as me. He’s spent most of the time being cuddled on my bed and is lovely. My vicar had put me on the prayer list, but I didn’t know. When we did the prayers at church on Sunday and they read the names out my stomach dropped when they read Vicki even though I’d seen it on the prayer sheet before the service, it didn’t twig that it might be me, and I didn’t think it was, but after communion I sat down to pray and found my head was clear for the first time in weeks. There was no shit running through it, and I sat in silence for the next hymn. It was lovely. People after the service asked me if it was me on the prayer sheet… I said I didn’t know lol, but me vicar said it was if I wanted it to be, or I could say it wasn’t me. He said he would take me off if I wanted but I thanked him (because I would’ve been too shy to ask to be on the prayer list) and said I wouldn’t turn down offered prayer. Even though I didn’t know it was me on the prayer list, my head was all clear after the prayers… It was such a relief and is such a comfort to know people are praying for me.

It’s been a week since I went to the doctors now. He put me on anti-depressants and refferred me to a mental health team. I should be seeing a shrink within 28days now to see whether I’m bipolar or not. The sideaffects of the anti-depressants have more or less worn off now which I’m grateful for, but the anxiety is still as strong as ever and the depression is still a big black cloud above my head. However, I need to wait at least another week… am seeing the doc on Monday so I’ll see how that goes.

I have to keep telling myself that God is here, even if I can’t feel Him or feel far from Him. He doesn’t just abandon people, especially when they need Him the most. I know He’s here in that I have stuck to the diet and am still losing weight for the first time in my life. I haven’t cut myself or harmed myself pysically whereas normally I would’ve done that by now and I haven’t binged on alcohol… however I can’t drink on these tablets anyway but it’s still very tempting.

I’m sure things will get better eventually but at the moment in the words of me dad “some buggers knicked the bulb”.

“One day a good day will see me walk out of this tunnel…
On a bad day I’ll try to remember that”

– Alan Barrett –


Jesus Heals a Paralytic – Mark 2:1-12

A week ago at this pre-confirmation meeting I went to we read this story. The idea was to try to imagine what it was really like rather than just reading words.

As I was imagining I realised that there was something I never noticed before…

“When Jesus saw their faith”

To put it in context it says “so many gathered that there was no room left, not even outside the door”. Now I don’t just imagine that was a crowd like you’d get up Hanley when the lights are being turned on, I imagine that as almost a mob. People crammed so tight you could barely move and shoving forwards to get a glimpse of Jesus or to be close enough to hear him.

Then these blokes came along carrying a paralytic! No way is anyone letting them through! A bloke on a mat and the others carrying him would take up too much space… After all – โ€˜I was here first!’ normally kicks in at the queue in the supermarket, let alone the crowd to see or hear something that could change your life!

However, these guys didn’t see the crowd and say “sorry bud, we’ll have to come back another time”. They went around, climbed the house and started digging through the roof!! They must’ve been hot and tired as that would’ve been hard work and they would have had to dig a hole big enough to lower the mat down. They were vandalising a house in the end lol!

After they’d dug the hole, they pulled the man on the mat up and lowered him into the house.

“When Jesus saw their faith”

These men believed so much that Jesus could do something to help the man that they did all this. I don’t think it’s the paralytics’ faith that He’s speaking about. It’s the men that kept going despite it not being easy.

For me that is reason to keep praying for the people that are hurting, in a bad place and need Gods hand. Everyone can read a prayer request and pray once and then forget – I’ve done it many times! To keep on praying with the same fervent prayer tomorrow as you prayed today – now THAT is the challenge. It is even harder when the person/issue is close to you, even consuming you.

To hold the same faith and belief that God is hearing your prayers and working in those people is so hard when you keep praying and nothing appears to be happening; it can be draining. I am convinced that although you may not see any change in the situation, God is at work there but it is still challenging to hold faith.

I have despaired in prayer before now, I have begged, pleaded, shouted, cursed, and sobbed my heart out. As this poem demonstrates more than I can – God is always there and doesn’t just act like that parent that ignores your temper tantrums until you shut up and talk to Him properly.



I screamed and shouted
What in the name of sanity
is going on?”

God sat.
Impassive, listening,
And let me continue

I beat my fists on His chest
And threw myself to the floor
Thrashing and kicking

God sat.
Unflinching, watching
And let me continue

I hurled abuse and blame,
Daring Him to respond
So I could smash His argument

God sat.
Patiently, silent,
And let me continue

Finally, when I had spent my
Anger and frustration,
I cried.

Only then did He move.
Taking me gently in His arms,
God sat, crying with me.

Alan Barrett 10th July 1996

The men who brought the paralytic to Jesus would have been tired and hot. I think they would’ve been having doubts… “I wonder if Jesus can/will heal him…? What if Jesus turns him away? What if he’s annoyed that we dug a hole in his roof?! What happens if Jesus can’t/won’t heal him?” and yet “Jesus saw their faith”.

They carried on digging and kept pressing forward even when full of doubt… I think that’s incredible that God saw their faith through their doubt… That gives me so much hope.

I think that is having faith… To keep praying even when you’re drained and you wonder if you’re prayers are even being heard… That is when the real trust and real faith comes into it. We aren’t robots and I don’t think there should be any shame in being completely human before God because even when we’re full of doubt, anger, hate, despair and frustration, God is right there walking through it with us and holding our hands.

“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”

– Isaiah 41:13

God and gay meeting

I feel quite brave – I came out at church!

I’ve never been out at church before; I’ve only ever told people I can trust.

I stayed quiet nearly the whole time listening and only made one point saying that “it’s ironic that the church is quite happy to marry couple that aren’t Christian and baptise babies because the parents “just think it’s the thing to do” but they won’t bless a loving, monogamous, committed civil partnership”. That’s all I said until the end when I said “I’ve talked to many gay people who when they find out I’m Christian get freaked and don’t really want to know because they’ve had girlfriends leave them because their girlfriend has been made to feel they have to choose between girlfriend n God” and the bishop said “and I bet when they got to know u they realised u were just human” so I thought stuff it because people had been saying all night “I don’t know any gay people” and “I don’t know what gay people think of this that n the other”.

So I said “actually, I’m a lesbian as well as a Christian and I’ve also had the experiences of etc” (told them some of the negative experiences I’d had and said that’s how many gay people see Christians because of what some Christians have told them and the fact that gay people have wanted nothing to do wit me because I’m a Christian too).

I was quite scared lol… but me vicar had been saying earlier how a lot of gay people have had bad experiences and so actually keep their mouth shut in fear of the condemnation they may receive so that made me feel a little more confident funny enough…

One of the people who were at the meeting gave me a lift home. She also gave me the confidence because she was saying from her point of view n arguing that her mum is a lesbian in a 22year relationship and has just had a civil partnership – so again she was very supportive and said what I did was brave etc on the way home….. So I don’t feel too scared now.

It’s good to know that whatever happens there’s at least three people in that church that are fab and that are supportive including the vicar ๐Ÿ˜›

I know it sounds daft, but I feel more confident about confirmation now people know too….

Yeah… I don’t feel like I’m hiding some secret or something…

Hm – It’s all good and I’m feeling good.

Before the Throne of God Above

Just off to get in bed and read some more of my book as our gas has run out and my fingers are going numb! lol! Before I go though I thought I’d share my favourite hymn lyrics with you… Although I’m not sure it is actually a hymn lol… Either way… the version by sonic flood is probably my favourite if you can get your hands on it ๐Ÿ™‚

This song fill me with hope when I sing it and always reminds me of how much grace and love we are given.

Before the Throne of God Above

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there! The risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless, Righteousness
The Great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of Grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God
With Christ my Savior and my God

Tried to find the songs online… I’ve found one version of the song:

The only one I could find of the Sonicflood version though is just a very short guitar solo from it but it gives you a little idea:

God and gay – Read the first chapter

OK… So read the first chapter last night…

At the end there were two poems… one of them was by A.E. Housman, which I fell in love with. It’s a beautiful poem about Oscar Wilde (for those of you who don’t know, Wilde was a poet and writer and was trialed and imprisoned for being gay).

Oh Who Is That Young Sinner

Oh who is that young sinner with the handcuffs on his wrists?
And what has he been after that they groan and shake their fists?
And wherefore is he wearing such a conscience-stricken air?
Oh they’re taking him to prison for the colour of his hair.

‘Tis a shame to human nature, such a head of hair as his;
In the good old time ’twas hanging for the colour that it is;
Though hanging isn’t bad enough and flaying would be fair
For the nameless and abominable colour of his hair.

Oh a deal of pains he’s taken and a pretty price he’s paid
To hide his poll or dye it of a mentionable shade;
But they’ve pulled the beggar’s hat off for the world to see and stare,
And they’re haling him to justice for the colour of his hair.

Now ’tis oakum for his fingers and the treadmill for his feet
And the quarry-gang on Portland in the cold and in the heat,
And between his spells of labour in the time he has to spare
He can curse the God that made him for the colour of his hair.

I love it as people go on so often about how God can “cure me” or I have to trust God and He will change me, but I know that I didn’t CHOOSE to be gay… BELIEVE ME, if I could choose I would definitely be straight!

To give you a bit of background so you can see… I realised I was gay at 18 after I left home and was living away at uni. I had quite a suffocating childhood and I think this is the reason I never realised before (because to be honest, it was obvious!) because it wasn’t really “acceptable” for me to be gay… My childhood was one of those of “I will love you whatever you do” but then was never shown.

I had three boyfriends. One was gay and I thought I loved him (even though I knew he was gay!) possibly because I knew he’d never want more… The other two I never even snogged (and one of them I went out with for 9months!)! The most we did was a hug and peck on the lips (which I do with friends! LOL). If any of them even tried to rest their hand round my waist I HATED it, really truly did. It made me feel sick and squirmy and would think of anything at all to walk away to stop them doing it.

Friends even asked me if I was gay and I would get called gay by people I didn’t know – people just assumed I was gay even if they didn’t know me because of the way I looked and dressed (I’m aware just because you dress gay doesn’t mean you are gay, just making all the points)

My experience of “realising” I was gay is quite a lovely story that I do like to tell. I was in WHSmiths (working on checkouts) and the boring monogamy of it all had sent me into auto pilot… The next customer in the queue stood in front of me, I looked up, looked at her stuff and had to do a double take!! She was gorgeous! My heart pounded (I know it’s all a bit cheesy!) and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face! All I could think was “she’s gonna wink at me! She’s gonna wink at me!” as I scanned her stuff through and packed it away… Asked for her money and saw she was smiling back, put it through, gave her her stuff and receipt and wished her a good day and ๐Ÿ˜‰ there is was! A wink! She WINKED AT ME! I knew she would!

For the rest of the day I was completely elated. I felt like some revelation had just happened in my life and I felt so happy and unable to wipe the smile off my face just thinking about her and hoping she’d return… She never did, I never saw her again, but it always makes me smile and it was the beginning of something quite big in my life.

Looking back now, I think HA! How did I NOT KNOW!! My point is though – that I tried being straight and I wasn’t happy… Some people have asked me “how do you know you’re gay if you’ve never slept with anyone” (male or female – yes, I’m a virgin)… but then – how do you know you’re NOT straight if you’ve never slept with someone of the same sex…? You just know.

Now, I would be straight if I could, I still stick by things that I would’ve stuck by if I was straight… I will not sleep with anyone unless I love them and they love me. I will not sleep around. I will not sleep with someone unless we are in a long term, loving, monogamous relationship.

God asks us to love each other. Now how can He condemn that?

Note to myself:

I’ve been thinking – ABOVE ALL:

I don’t want to be someone that gets wrapped up in questions n theory n stops

experiencing God

God and gay.

Talked to my vicar today about being gay and christian as have been upset about what some christians have to say about it. It doesn’t bother me that someone has a differing view… It’s that they talk to me like I’m dirt and like I’m not a christian and I disgust them. It’s very hurtful!

Anyway, he’s given me some books to read. The first one I’m reading is Strangers and Friends by Michael Vasey… so there will be more to come about ideas, thoughts and questions from reading this.

The books I’ll be reading afterwards are God for Nothing by Richard MacKenna, Living in Sin? by John Shelby Spong and We Were Baptised Too by Marilyn Bennett Alexander and James Preston.